Forgiving an Unfaithful Spouse
There are certain wounds that are more painful to endure and process than others. Adultery is the deepest form of betrayal within a marriage and leaves devastating wounds in the heart of the victimized spouse that makes forgiveness seem impossible. Conventional wisdom says that even if forgiveness is possible for an unfaithful spouse, recovering from it will take years. But conventional wisdom rarely considers the Cross.
Several years ago, we were contacted by James and Janet (not their real names) who asked for our help because their marriage was in crisis. James is an award-winning artist who traveled the world performing his music. Janet had thought they had a perfect marriage, until three weeks prior to calling us when James confessed to her that he could not even count how many women he had slept with during their 14 years of marriage. At the same time, he told her that he had a child she knew nothing about. Somehow, he convinced her to come see us for help even though she was devastated.
Affairs are never about the spouse, but rather an indication of a deep wound in the heart of the cheating spouse. The torment of unforgiven wounds can drive one to try to satiate that torment in the arms of another person. With this in mind, we began to drill down into James’ past wounds and discovered that James’ father had been a serial adulterer. When a father is unfaithful, he not only wounds his wife, but he also wounds his children. Unless a son forgives his father, he will often repeat the sins of his father, which is what James had done.
We began coaching James to forgive his father for violating his marriage covenant with James’ mother, as well as other ways his father had hurt him. As he continued to list the wounds from his father, James paused and said, “And my sister.”
“What did your father do to your sister?” I asked.
“It’s not what my Dad did to my sister. It’s what my sister did to me.”
After he finished forgiving his Dad, I asked, “What did your sister do to you?” His answer horrified us.
“When I was between the ages of 6 to 11, my sister, who is several years older than me not only molested me, but she brought her friends over and they used me like a sex toy.”
Janet began to weep as James shared about the abuse he had suffered from his sister. She had no idea what he had gone through.
James forgave his sister, both for what she had done and what she had allowed to be done to him. Then he forgave himself for many things, including how he had violated Janet. When he finished, everything in his countenance changed. His torment was gone.
Toni then asked Janet if she believed that the blood of Jesus was enough to cover James’ adultery and if she wanted to be coached to forgive him. She answered “Yes” to both questions.
After Janet forgave James, Toni asked her, “How’s your heart?”
“The weight I carried for three weeks is gone. My heart feels light again!”
Three hours after they arrived, James and Janet walked out of our house that night holding hands and fully reconciled with hope for the future. A few weeks later, Toni answered a phone call from Japan. James’s producer said, “Whatever you did for James and Janet, can you help us too? My wife and I are struggling with the same issue.” So, the couple flew to Atlanta and they found the same freedom through forgiveness that James and Janet found.
God designed marriage to reflect the relationship of the Trinity, which I call the mystery of distinctive Oneness. God is One in three distinct persons: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. When a man and a woman unite in marriage, they become one while maintaining their distinct personhood. “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) This is why unfaithfulness to the marriage covenant is so damaging, not only to the violated mate, but the offending one as well. The question then becomes: how does one pay when they cheat? How can such a deep wound be made right? The Gospel’s answer is that Jesus already paid for it. On the Cross 2000 years ago, Jesus made a way for it to be made right.
The blood of Jesus covers all sin, including the sin of adultery. If the blood of Jesus doesn’t cover the extreme cases, it doesn’t cover the common cases. It is all or nothing. If cheating is an issue in your marriage, choose to forgive your spouse for their unfaithfulness. It’s the only way to begin to re-experience true oneness in your relationship. After you forgive, if the enemy tries to haunt you once again by bringing up the memory, remember that you have already forgiven the wound and that it has been paid for in full by Jesus! Stand firm in the power of the cross. Praise God for the freedom He gave you when you forgave and bless your spouse again!
