Forgiving the Root
How Forgiving Past Wounds Transforms Present Relationships
In a simple but hard ten-minute span of time, we witnessed 17 years of torment drop off of Brad. Brad reached out to us, after someone on a social media site had recommended our book Forgiving Forward to him. For 17 years Brad had been seeking help from any person, any source, any place—including social media, that would help him get free of the torment that gripped him day and night. “It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night.”
17 years ago, Brad’s wife Hannah committed adultery. Her actions devastated him. Because of her sinful choices, he felt like he wasn’t enough and that he couldn’t measure up. He felt emasculated. He tried to forgive her. They stayed married, but the torment still lingered strong.
We have found that when couples come to us in crisis, the wound that is driving the torment—that is causing issues in the marriage—PREDATES the couple ever meeting one hundred percent of the time. Yes 100%! So, with that in mind while meeting with Brad and Hannah, we prayerfully asked some questions that we hoped God would use to reveal where the root of his torment was buried. “When is the first time you felt like you didn’t measure up, like you weren’t enough, when you felt emasculated?” He had no recollection. Then his beautiful wife said, “Remember, just recently, when your mom was visiting, I asked her if she thought you would prefer a cucumber sandwich or a ham sandwich? Remember, she said cucumber? Then do you remember your response? You said, ‘She knows I don’t like cucumbers! I have never liked cucumbers!’” With that, Brad sorrowfully admitted, “I guess she doesn’t know me.” Tears fell.
We led Brad to forgive the wounds his mom had inflicted on him over many years, including what he believed her wounding communicated to him. “I choose to forgive my mom for not listening, not believing in me, not seeking to know me, controlling me, not respecting me as a man and making me feel emasculated.” He finished forgiving with a beautiful blessing over his mom then proceeded to forgive his wife. “I choose to forgive Hannah for reminding me of my mom.” He stopped. Then he broke. His body fell back against the cushions of the couch. Reaching for his wife, he embraced her like he had never embraced her before. He wept. Hard. “I have nothing to forgive Hannah for! The tormentors are gone. They are gone!!”
Before we completed our session, Brad repented for the years of blaming and shaming his wife for the torment he experienced. He recognized that the torment was there as a discipline for not forgiving his mother for all those years. He repented for having a hard heart for the past 17 years and for being a poor representation of his Heavenly Father to his wife and family. He blessed himself. Brad and Hannah were changed. God answered their prayer, freed them, and brought their hearts back to life with Him and with each other. The joy and gratitude for their freedom from God flowed.
God’s way to freedom, through the blood of His Son, never ceases to amaze us!
