What if they keep hurting me?
Forgiveness and Repeat Offenders
Many people ask, “How can I forgive them when I know that it’s going to keep happening?” That is not an insignificant question. We all have those “repeat offenders” in our lives that wound us on a regular basis. How long do we “put up with it?” Isn’t there a limit to how often I should forgive?
The struggle is not new. Peter posed the same question to Jesus in Matthew 18:21 asking, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother who sins against me? Is 7 times enough?” Peter knew that the religious leaders of his day taught that you had to forgive if someone sinned against you twice or if you want to be generous you could forgive them three times. But after forgiving three times, you didn't have to continue to forgive and probably shouldn’t. Peter must have thought he was being magnanimous when he doubled the maximum plus one.
Peter’s jaw must have dropped when Jesus set the bar at 490 times. In essence, Jesus said there is no limit to how many times you forgive. If someone is still keeping track when they get close to 490, they probably haven’t truly forgiven! Jesus then uses a parable to make his point.
In His parable, Jesus tells of a servant who owed his ruler 10,000 talents (the equivalent of $7.5 billion) which the ruler forgave. Yet, after being forgiven of this insurmountable debt, the ungrateful servant refused to forgive a fellow servant a debt of 100 denarii ($16,000) and had him thrown in prison. After hearing this, the ruler summoned the first servant and said to him, “You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?” That’s a legitimate question, given the contrast between the two debts.
Jesus then concludes His story. “And his master, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he would repay all that was owed him.” At this point in the story, what did the first servant owe to the ruler? He didn’t owe the money, because when you forgive a debt you legally can’t reclaim that debt. He actually owed forgiveness to his fellow servant.
Leaving the pretend story, Jesus addresses Peter’s question by declaring, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.” What Jesus is saying to Peter, as well as to us, is that God will give legal authority for us to be tormented when we don’t forgive someone who violates us.
Notice that Jesus didn’t actually answer Peter’s question, but rather, He inverted it. The focus is not on how many times we need to forgive someone, but rather how many times we need God’s forgiveness. One of the key points Jesus made with His parable in Matthew 18 was this: No matter how many times someone violates us and no matter how large the debt we may think they owe us, it pales in comparison to the number of times we have sinned against God and how much He has forgiven us for.
In the Lord’s prayer, Jesus in essence tells us to pray, “Heavenly Father, please use the standard I use in dealing with the people who wound me as the standard you use to relate to me.” (Matthew 6:12) This really changes the calculus of the question “How can I forgive him (her) when I know that it’s going to keep happening?” The answer is linked to how many times I want God to forgive me! Do I want Him to have a limit? Do I want Him to “cut me off” after so many times of failing Him and blowing it?
While I understand the struggle behind the question, the focus is off. Rather than focusing on someone’s failure and struggles, maybe we should focus instead on the extravagant blood of Jesus that has covered all of our failures.
Maybe the better question is, “How do I want God to relate to me when I keep failing?” and then do that!
“For this reason, I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but the one who is forgiven little, loves little.”Luke 7:47
