What If I Need Forgiveness?
What if I am the person who needs to be forgiven?
BRUCE HEBEL: That's an interesting question because oftentimes we are basically dealing with the ones who've been wounded but you're saying if I'm the one who's done the wounding, what is my responsibility in that? Well, my responsibility is to own my sin, basically to recognize the wounding and the pain that I've inflicted upon someone and own it and change my mind about it. Repentance. When you talk about reconciliation, you have to have both forgiveness and repentance. Repentance does not mean to change your behavior. It means to change your mind, which will ultimately change your behavior. Repentance is metanoia: to change your mind. So my responsibility is to recognize and confess what I did was wrong, confess it to God, and then go see what I can do to make it right. There's a passage where Jesus, in the Sermon on the Mount, in Matthew 5 says, "If therefore, you are offering your gift on the altar and you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.”
So in that, the onus of initiating the reconciliation is now on me. So I've wounded you, Bart. Your responsibility is to forgive me but since I initiated the wounding and the conflict, it's on me to come and initiate to make it right. So, for my part, what I did was wrong, Bart. I shouldn't have thought that way or in most cases, I wasn't thinking. I didn't think this through. And now I know what I did was wrong and what is it I can do, to make it right?
And so, you present your appeal. Your confession. Your repentance. Your change of mind. You're owning what you did to the person that you've wounded.
BART BLAIR: Okay. Can I ask a follow-up to that real quickly? So you said that, that passage there, Jesus says that we shouldn't come back to worship until we've been reconciled and we know that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing because we've already addressed that question earlier. What do I do if the person doesn't forgive me and/or won't be reconciled to me?
BRUCE HEBEL: Well, that's a great question. Basically, you've switched from being the offending to the one who's been offended. Because to reject someone's repentance is to inflict a wound. They have now sinned against you by not forgiving. So we talk a lot about the table of reconciliation. We had the Father, the Son and the Spirit sitting at the table. This is a table. This is a chair for the one who's been wounded. They bring forgiveness. What they did was wrong but Jesus paid for it. And this person, as we just said, brings repentance. What I did was wrong. What can I do to make it right? Well, if this person is not sitting at the table and refuses to forgive, you've now switched chairs. You're now sitting as the offended party. You choose to forgive them. Then you come to the table. If they refuse to reconcile, that's not on you.
TONI HEBEL: Yeah, if they choose to forgive you.
BRUCE HEBEL: If they refuse to forgive you and to be reconciled. That's not on you. It's a break in relationship but you have to deal with it.
TONI HEBEL: Well, I know in marriage relationships many times we're in both chairs. So we've been the one that's done the wounding, and we've also been the one that has been wounded. So we have to deal with both sides. There's things we need to repent for and then there's things we need to forgive. If that person refuses to forgive you when you have repented to them, that is a deep wound and that needs to be forgiven. That needs to be laid at the cross and then you need to wait on God to move in their hearts. I don't know if there's anything else about that or not.
BRUCE HEBEL: Yeah, I think that might cover it.
TONI HEBEL: Oh, I know. The Bible also says that as far as it is possible, be at peace with all men and sometimes it's just not possible. You do what you can. You repent for what you need to repent for and you forgive, of course, but you cannot control somebody else's heart, their decision, their choice and so you have to leave that in God's hands.
BRUCE HEBEL: Yes. So our responsibility is to deal with our responsibility. So if I'm in the offending category, then I have to own that and forgive and repent and seek forgiveness. But if I'm in the wounded category, then my job is to recognize they're wrong and then apply the blood of Jesus to it, come to the table and be open and ready, praying for reconciliation. But, if I'm on this side and I come and this person refuses, then I move over here and forgive them and I'm sitting at the table waiting for them.
TONI HEBEL: And it gets a little bit, kind of convoluted at times because now they have to repent of their unforgiveness, which is kind of interesting for them but that's how we find freedom. So the sad part is, the person who doesn't forgive is living in torment..
BRUCE HEBEL: and so that causes you to be much more empathetic toward them and pray for them and be gracious to them.
