How Past Wounds Distort Present Relationships

Not long ago, I met a man who asked me the common introductory question, “What do you do?” After I shared with him a quick summary of Forgiving Forward, he said, “I wish you could meet with my son and daughter-in-law. They have been through several counselors, and nothing seems to help. The daughter-in-law now wants a divorce, and our son is confused and hurt. None of this makes sense to us. She recently said to him, ‘You’re meaner than my father!’” I responded.``It makes perfect sense to me. She is in torment because she has deep wounds from her father that she hasn’t forgiven.”

I went on to explain that with every couple in crisis that we have helped, 100% of the time, the wounds that are causing the torment, that are driving the conflict in the relationship, occurred before the couple met. Every. Single. Time. Oftentimes those wounds came from a parent.

We could give you story after story of how a wound from a parent impacts the way someone relates to their spouse. A composite story would go like this:

John and Sally were on the verge of divorce. John felt like Sally was constantly on his case about his work schedule, and he felt very disrespected by her. John admitted that his job was extremely demanding and required a lot of travel but that he tried hard to balance work and family responsibilities. He didn’t like the travel, but it was part of the job. He felt like he was in a no-win situation and that no matter what he did, it wasn’t good enough. Sally, on the other hand, felt like John was distant and inattentive to her needs. She struggled with feelings of abandonment and jealousy.

As we listened to their story, we began to realize that the issues were not the issue. John really loved his wife, and Sally desperately wanted a deep relationship with her husband. The problem was that there were two other voices drowning out John and Sally’s ability to hear each other correctly. Those two voices were the echoes of Sally’s Dad and John’s Mom.

Like John, Sally’s Dad traveled for work. Unlike John, her Dad was a workaholic and a womanizer. He deserted her family for another woman when Sally was 12 years old. This left her tormented with serious trust and abandonment issues. These unforgiven wounds from her father distorted how she interpreted John’s actions. Therefore, when John would come home late or had to be away on business, she then would become jealous and hypercritical of him. He didn’t understand why she reacted the way she did, which left him feeling frustrated and insecure.

On the other hand, John’s mother was a perfectionist who constantly pushed her son to “do better.” If John brought a 97% home on a test score, she would focus on the 3 answers he got wrong rather than celebrating on the 97 he got right. This caused significant wounds to John’s self-esteem and made him hyper-sensitive to criticism. So, when Sally would complain about his being gone or late, he would hear, in his mother’s voice, “You’re not good enough,” and respond in frustration and anger. This created a cycle of reactions that poked the deep, unhealed scars in each other that were driving a wedge between them. We coached them each to forgive those deep wounds from their parents, as well as other wounds, including from each other. We watched as the tormentors left and their relationship was restored.

To be clear, John and Sally were wounding each other. Wounded people wound people and those wounds must be forgiven. Yet when the reactions to the wounds from a spouse are disproportionate to the current wounds, you can be sure that something else is going on. The current offense is poking a festering wound from the past. Dealing with the current issue may bring some relief, but until the root wounds are uncovered and forgiven, the torment will continue. However, when we discover and choose to forgive the root wounds and then forgive the current wounds, the tormentors leave, and the marriage is restored. 100% of the time.

Forgiveness frees us from the past,
restores our present and transforms our future.

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