It really IS better to give than to receive.

Valentine’s Day is the day that our culture (or maybe more accurately, Hallmark) celebrates romantic love. Cards are exchanged, and candies and chocolate in the shape of hearts are given to our sweethearts. Dinners for two are reserved at favorite restaurants or candlelight dinners are prepared in intimate spaces. The goal of the day is to celebrate a couple’s romantic love for each other.

Unfortunately, to a large degree, the concept of romantic love depicted in Valentine's cards and advertisements is often a distortion of God's intention for the love between a man and a woman. This is true in the culture, and sadly, it's also true in the church. Look at the inscriptions on Hallmark cards. They're all about what the other person means to me, how they make me feel, what they give me. It's about me and what I get out of the relationship. But true love, Biblical love, isn’t about what I get out of the relationship—it's always about what I give to the relationship.

If you were to poll couples on their wedding day and ask them, “Why her?” or “Why him?” you would get a variation of a familiar sentiment. You would hear things like, “He completes me.” “She makes me feel so special.” or “My life is so much better when he’s in it.” “I can’t live without her.” The common denominator of these answers is how my mate impacts me. Unfortunately, that mindset, if maintained, will always lead to a dysfunctional marriage because it is not what God designed marriage to be.

God's original design for marriage was not for Adam to get his needs met but rather to have someone whose needs he could meet. In Genesis 1:26-27, we read,

Then God said, “Let Us make mankind in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the livestock and over all the earth, and over every crawling thing that crawls on the earth.” So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

What does it mean that God created man in His image? It means God created man to be like Him. In what ways? I believe God created man to reflect to the world God’s attributes and especially, in regards to marriage, the Trinity. What does it mean that God is Trinity? It means He is One, yet Three. The opening line in the Bible says, "In the beginning, God…" The Hebrew translated God in Genesis is in the plural form. The Shema, which the traditionally observant Jews recite daily, begins, “Behold Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.” Elohim (plural) is one. Well, which is He? Is He three, or is He one? Yes! It’s the mystery of distinctive oneness. God is eternally one, yet three. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are distinctive in their personhood yet are complete unity in essence. God is one being in three persons. In the Trinity, God the Father has all authority. The Son submits to and honors the Father as He functions out of delegated authority from the Father. The Spirit submits to and honors the Son as He functions out of the delegated authority from the Father through the Son.

The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are distinctive, but their distinction is not one of essence, value, or equality. All three are equal in all ways but are distinctive in their roles, function, and authority. The Trinity operates in perfect harmony and mutual service. There is no competition or conflict in the Trinity. It's all just mutual honor and love. The mystery of distinctive oneness!

This is important for us to remember on Valentine’s Day because when God made man, male and female, in His image, He was creating another mystery of distinctive oneness in the institution of marriage.

Practically speaking, what does that mean? As a married couple, Toni and I are to reflect the oneness of the Trinity through the way we relate to one another. Our oneness is to reflect the character and unity of God to the world around us. When God said, “It’s not good for men to be alone,” what did He mean? It wasn’t good for the man not to have someone to love. We cannot reflect the love the Trinity has for one another without “another.” We were designed to love and respect someone else, and in order to love and respect someone else, there must be a “someone else.” God gave Toni to me as my wife so He could use me to love her. My job as a husband is to die to myself and love Toni. At the same time, God gave me to Toni as her husband so that God could meet my needs through her. Her assignment is to die to self and honor me. Whenever either one of us begins to focus on whether our needs are being met, our marriage becomes dysfunctional and unhealthy. But when both of us focus on the other in mutual love and respect, each of us putting the needs of the other above ourselves, our marriage is amazing, and God is glorified.

Whenever I officiate a wedding, I always ask the “Why him?” and “Why her?” questions in the ceremony.

For the groom, the correct answer is:

Because I am the one chosen by God to lovingly lead her in experiencing the fullness of Christ's life. My assignment is to trust God to meet my needs as I allow Christ to meet my wife's needs through me.

For the bride, the correct answer is:

Because I am the one chosen by God to respectfully follow him as I trust God to use me to help my husband experience the fullness of Christ's life. My assignment is to trust God to meet my needs as I love Christ to meet my husband's needs through me.

Let me encourage you today to spend more time focusing on your assignment in your relationship and what you need to give to your mate rather than what they can give you. This does take faith, but when you do, you will experience your own unique mystery of distinctive oneness.

STORE