How Past Wounds Impact Current Relationships

I graduated from High School in 1976 and since I can be somewhat nostalgic, I often listen to the 70’s station in my car. The other day the station played “I’m Not Lisa”, a country song released on January 16, 1975, written and performed by Jessi Coulter. The chorus goes like this:

I’m not Lisa, my name is Julie.

Lisa left you years ago.

My eyes are not blue, but mine won’t leave you,

Till the sunlight has touched your face.

“I’m Not Lisa” hauntingly describes the struggle of being with someone who hasn’t gotten over the pain from a previous relationship. Julie, the current girlfriend/wife, tries to communicate to her boyfriend/husband that she is not the woman who left him for another man and pleads with her man not to continue to hold her responsible for Lisa’s betrayal and desertion. This is a sad song that made it all the way to #1 on the Billboard Hot Country Songs chart.

I remembered the song from back in the day, but maybe because of what we do with Forgiving Forward it dawned on me why the song was such a big hit. This song resonated with many people who often carry the wounds from previous relationships into their current ones. This is something we see regularly in our coachings.

Since we launched Forgiving Forward, we have personally coached hundreds of couples in crisis  to find freedom through forgiveness. Many of them have been on the verge of divorce, some already divorced, and all with significant issues between them. Each couple’s story is unique, yet they all have one thing in common: 100% of the time, the wound that’s causing the torment that’s driving the conflict in the marriage predates the couple ever meeting. Every. Single. Time. It has never not been this way. There is always a “Lisa”, someone who inflicted a root wound that is being projected onto the unsuspecting spouse. Often the one who inflicted that wound is a parent, a close friend, or a previous mate.

Ben and Mary resembled many couples we have coached over the years when they arrived at the Forgiving Forward Freedom Center. Several months earlier, Ben had left his wife to move in with a woman with whom he was having an affair. One day, much like the prodigal son, Ben came to his senses, returned home, and asked Mary for another chance. After talking with their friend who is a firm believer in the power of forgiveness, Mary agreed to come with Ben to meet us.

When someone has an affair, most often, it is driven by the torment from a hidden wound from their past. The issue is rarely the issue. Only dealing with the adultery, while crucial, will not bring healing to the relationship. You have to deal with the root wound behind the infidelity. As we probed into Ben’s story, it became clear that he had a deep need to “be seen” and feel like he belonged… to feel valued. We asked, “Who is the first person who made you feel this way?” He said, “My Mother.” He shared how his mother told him that she never wanted him and that he always felt invisible to her. No matter how hard he tried, he could not get her to notice him. When Ben was a teenager, she said to him, “You are not my son.”  All this left a deep hole of insecurity in Ben’s heart that Mary could never fill. Subconsciously, Ben had been looking for the acceptance from Mary that he didn’t receive from his mother that wasn’t Mary’s to give. Correspondingly, Mary had rejection wounds from her Dad, which kept her from affirming her husband. Both Ben and Mary brought wounds into their marriage that they had projected on each other, which created more wounds.

Wounded people wound people, often in the way they themselves have been wounded.

By God’s grace, I had the privilege to coach Ben to forgive his Mom, himself, Mary, and others by applying the blood of Jesus as payment in full for what they did. We  watched the bitterness and shame fall away as joy and peace took their place in Ben’s heart. Then Toni coached Mary to forgive her Dad, Ben, herself and others. The same peace and joy flooded her heart as well. Their hearts were both free and their marriage was restored.

Everyone has a “Lisa” in their past, someone who hurt them deeply. It may be a parent, a close relative, a trusted friend, a former boyfriend/girlfriend, or mate. If we don’t forgive those wounds, we inevitably will project those wounds on the people we are closest to. But when we choose to forgive and transfer those wounds to the Cross of Jesus, only then are we free to live in authentic relationships.

The blood of Jesus covers all sin, including the ones that wound me!